The 1970s weren't that bad of a time. I was there, I should know. Sure, I was a kid, barely 12 years old when the decade ended. But there was an honesty, and a sense of integrity, that is missing today. But then again, it could be that I'm just insane. And yet people today look back on the '70s with disdain, or make fun of the era, and I've always wondered why.
But I was recently
reminded of why, and it's all so very clear now.
As a kid, I watched a
lot of movies. I think I soaked them all in, good and bad, and they all got lumped together. A few stand out, ones that I have seen many times, like
The Godfather,
Annie Hall, and
National Lampoon's Animal House. And those are all fine, entertaining films, indeed. But with these are the truly bad films, ones you never want to see again. And I saw one of these again recently, for the first time in probably 20 years.
It was the
worst movie made in the 1970s. A movie so hideous, so truly bad, it forever cursed and tainted literally everyone involved.
I am speaking, of course, of
Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
The year was 1978. The Bee Gees were the biggest stars in the world, just coming off the success of their soundtrack to the movie
Saturday Night Fever. That was huge, a true phenomenon, selling millions of albums and movie tickets. So, these million-selling sensations were cast in a movie of their own, singing the million-selling hits of the Beatles and co-starring million-selling rock star Peter Frampton. What could possibly go wrong?
Plenty, what's what.
The first problem with the film was, simply, thick accents. Frampton was British, and the Bee Gees while also being born in the U.K., were partly raised in Australia. This may or may not have had a hand in the producers of the film making the decision to not have any actual dialogue in the film (other than the narration of George Burns). The film was set in a town called "Heartland, U.S.A.", an all-American town with exclusively British citizens who went around singing only Beatles songs.
Next problem: forming a cohesive plot without using dialogue and a library of Beatles songs. It did not fit together seemlessly. In fact, it didn't work at all. Many of the songs are interpreted
literally, with characters named Mr. Kite, Strawberry Fields, Mr. Mustard, and Billy Shears. This was a big,
big mistake, and it all seems embarrassingly stupid nearly 30 years later.
There are many guest stars in this film, each performing a song. Alice Cooper, Aerosmith, Earth, Wind, and Fire, and Steve Martin (who, as Dr. Maxwell Edison, uses his silver hammer to turn test subjects into boy scouts!). The "plot" concerns the ridiculous theft of several magical musical instruments from Heartland by Mean Mr. Mustard (annoying British comedian Frankie Howerd) and his giant henchman (who would later gain temporary fame as the giant in
Twin Peaks), as Billy Shears (Frampton) and the Henderson Brothers (the Bee Gees) pursue them.
The songs are bad, some of them with a disco flavor, particularly "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds", by female dance band Starguard. As I watched it, for the first time since my childhood, only one thought entered my head:
"Now there are
two Beatles spinning in their graves." Or urns. Or whatever.
Lennon and McCartney were, in fact, approached about writing a new song for the film, but they refused. They didn't need the money, obviously, and they could probably smell this bomb coming. I can't help but feel that John himself felt a sigh of relief as the last bullet entered his back, knowing that he'd be leaving a world that allowed this film to be made.
The biggest problem was definitely the film's marketing. Frampton had peaked a couple of years earlier with
Frampton Comes Alive, had released a disappointing follow-up album, but signed a contract in which no one could be billed above him. And so the white-hot Bee Gees got second billing. The movie was doomed.
The icing on the cake of this film is, of course, the end. At the point where you think it can't get worse, and they can't sink any lower, they drag out Billy Preston. Preston, as you know, was a musician who actually was a friend to the Beatles and worked with them on
Let It Be. And he's here, righting everything and bringing people back
from the dead while singing "Get Back". But you can't right the wrongs this movie did on the world, my friend. Want more icing on this cake? Longtime Beatles producer George Martin produced the music for this film. This is the worst cake, with the worst kind of icing.
And then, just before the ending credits, the most hideous display of cameos ever seen on a movie screen. Pointless appearances by people who had nothing at all to do with the movie. People like Carol Channing, Dame Edna, and Sha Na Na. Hundreds of famous people there simply because Satan, to whom they owed a favor, made a phone call.
I think this film, at the time enormously expensive to make, is a prime example of showbiz excess. It obviously cost millions of dollars and it shows. When you point to bad ideas, bad concepts, and bad filmmaking in general,
this is the textbook case. The same summer which yielded one of Hollywood's favorite musicals,
Grease, also gave us this monstrosity. A sad comment on this is that the theme to
Grease was written by Barry Gibb, lead singer of the Bee Gees.
No one involved with the film was ever the same. Michael Shultz, the director, later was responsible for such brilliant fare as
Disorderlies and was last seen directing episodes of mediocre TV shows. Frampton virtually vanished, and the Bee Gees' record sales slipped. Sandy Farina, who was "introduced" as Strawberry Fields, never made another film. The movie lost millions, and Sgt. Pepper merchandise quickly began to show up in landfills.
My first instinct is to track down every print of this film and destroy them in a purifying ritual, culminating in a mass bonfire. But that won't change the fact that it got made, and the damage it has inflicted already. I first saw this when I was 10, and I can't get those years back. Many of the Beatles songs I know and love, I first heard them here...and I can never forgive that.
We can learn from this, people. I am a film purist...and I think all movies should be preserved. And I want this film to be shown in film schools as required learning. See the stuff in this movie?
Don't do it! Do
not make a movie like this...it's
wrong.
Because, in a line not sung in this film:
And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.
Do I wish it was a better movie? Yes.
Do I feel bad it lost money?
Not one bit damn bad. It
deserved to. It was nothing but bad. Bad and evil and wrong.
Now get out there, Hollywood, and make some good movies.
