Island of the Damned?

Few people can argue that this television show had great international impact on the entire world and far-reaching effects on life as we know it. And...I've watched it for years even though it was already in reruns before I was born.

It's a great show that has dramatically changed my life. However...I still have a few questions...

First, the obvious: for a "three-hour tour", everyone sure brought a lot of crap with them. The Professor brought tons of scientific gizmos, the Howells brought the famous suitcase full of money, and Ginger brought large quantities of makeup, haircare products, and every costume from every movie she ever made. Gilligan and the Skipper brought next to nothing, even though they probably lived on the boat. Mary Ann brought nothing except a pair of shorts...even though some heavy farm machinery would sure have been useful! So, why so many personal effects? Obviously, someone was planning this...but who?!?

The Skipper, a notorious drunk, could certainly read a map or at the very least know not to take the boat out if there was a big-ass storm coming. Was this a suicide attempt?

Gilligan, his "little buddy"...did he only pretend to be an idiot, and is there any truth to those gay rumors?

Thurston Howell III and his nymphomaniac wife Lovey...were they attempting to evade taxes or prosecution for a failed savings-and-loan? Also, Howell was a billionaire, right? You mean he didn't even have his own boat, he had to charter one? Where's the money, Howell?!?

The Professor...what's he doing here? Was he selling secrets to the Red Chinese or something? And, as the only single, staight male on the island, how was he able to resist the hot advances of Ginger and Mary Ann? Ginger--a famous actress who made films with hot Hollywood hunks like Rock Hudson--was she afraid of the upcoming A.I.D.S. crisis? Who tipped her off? Or was she afraid of being murdered by the C.I.A., like her friend Marilyn Monroe? How did Mary Ann secure the funds to take this trip? Did she blow the money from the sale of her parents' farm on this? Was she a teenage runaway? Did she have sufficient motive for sabotage? Why, after years on the island, didn't Ginger let Mary Ann wear any of her clothes? Weren't they supposed to be friends? But wait, there's more.

Almost every other week, someone visited the island but left and never told anyone to rescue the castaways. Were they paid off? If so, by who? And how? And why?

Also, what did the people on that island eat? Just mangos and a pineapple or two? Think they caught some monkeys and fried 'em up? They never explored this possibility...but should have, in my opinion. The Skipper and Gilligan were pretty good at building huts and furniture...ever try building a boat? That might have been useful.

They were on that island for a pretty long time...think they ever fooled around? You know. Did they ever see each other naked? Hey, just wondering--I'm not a pervert or anything. When the Skipper took his hat off and hit Gilligan over the head with it, do you think that was some kind of sign of affection...that maybe they both really enjoyed it in a secret way? I've always had this secret fantasy about Mary Ann and Ginger. Mary Ann seemed so innocent and pure, and Ginger seemed so....trashy. I won't get into it here, but it's a good fantasy. Two words: coconut milk.

You suspend belief a lot with shows like Gilligan's Island. You are asked to turn your brain off for 30 minutes, and just let it happen. And it worked, at least on the original series. They never were rescued, until a couple of TV movies in the late 1970s. And those were the tough ones to take in.

In the first TV movie, the castaways get rescued. No problems there. So, they go back to civilization and decide to have a party to celebrate...on the Skipper's new boat, the Minnow II. But the boat shipwrecks on a deserted island where Gilligan finds a piece of a boat that looks familiar: It says Minnow I on it. That's when the Skipper takes off his hat and hits Gilligan over the head with it and they all laugh and the show ends. But I wouldn't laugh. I'd start swimming like hell because I know the original boat was not even named Minnow I but SS Minnow. I'd swim away, never once looking back...praying for a quick death from the sharks.

Enjoy your alternate dimension, suckers.